November 29, 2004
Life was never so simple as when the Holy Crusader faced down evil in Gotham City. No matter the villain…The Riddler, The Penguin, The Joker…Batman always defeated his enemy.
Batman, my hero. He knew what evil looked like, and he went after it with a vengeance. He chased, he sped, he dashed and crashed. And when he finally had his hands on the dastardly villain, he knew how to fight…BANG! SLAM! POW*!#/*
The NFL could take a few lessons from Batman. Once billed as wholesome family entertainment, it has made itself a haven for filth. Janet’s bra snaps and the best Commissioner Tagliabue can do is say he was “extremely disappointed.” Nicolette’s towel drops and the NFL calls the incident “inappropriate.” Slap, punch, crunch and cry! Holy Indignation, Batman!
The NFL has spawned The Refrigerator, Iron Man, The Boomer, and The Purple People Eaters. So tell me one thing. Where is all this testosterone when you need it…in the corporate board room…facing down the porn producers intent on degrading the last bastion of wholesome family entertainment?
Does anyone need to remind the good Commissioner of Football City that he owns ABC on Monday nights? Why, after $550,000 in fines and the screams from millions of angry moms and dads, did Terrell Owens think he could get a pass from his employer for this stunt?
Let’s say we actually believe Janet’s story, her “accident” was an instantaneous gaff in front of the camera where there was no time to turn away. We’re shocked. Tongues wag. We decry and shout and hammer the table. No more! Slam, Bang!
But what about Nicolette’s story? Planning a commercial takes months and involves hundreds of people. From top to bottom, ABC and NFL, commissioners, writers, cameramen, lighting directors, film editors and towel distributors are involved in concocting a 30-second strip tease. Not to mention Terrell’s bragging rights in the locker room.
Where is Batman when we need him? Ka-Crash! Ka-Bam! Ka-Pow!
We have lost the ability to be indignant at the moments of decision when the “right decision” is possible. At any point in the process of filming this locker room seduction scene, even one person with good sense and courage could have shut down this assault on America.
If the NFL had learned anything at all from SuperBawdy XXXVIII, Terrell, his agent, his coach, and his friends wouldn’t have given one wink to the idea of Terrell wrapping his arms around a naked girly-girl on prime time national television.
Hey, Commissioner T, take a lesson from another guy in tight tights. Batman wasn’t just “disappointed” when The Joker hit Gotham. He was enraged!
Batman left no stone unturned in his battle to save the city. Using everything at his disposal…Batgadgets, Batlab, Batcave, and Batmobile…tights, cape and mask…Batman set out to win. Ka-Crash! Ka-Bam! Ka-Pow!
It’s time for the NFL to show the courage of the Holy Crusader. Using the same ingenuity and strategizing needed to create a winning two-minute drill, the good Commissioner needs to take charge. Out with the “disappointment” and in with the “indignation.” Raise a little ruckus, Paul. You and all your friends, get rowdy to tonight. BANG! SLAM! POW*!#/*
Holy indignation, Batman! Can you believe a league of grown men in tights can’t solve this problem? You can’t?
Well…neither can we.
For thoughts on Superbawdy XXXVIII: Thank You, Janet
Open Letter to Paul Tagliabue: Dear Paul
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