Author Archives: jtjim

Fatherhood Is More than a Paycheck

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

October 17, 2005

Anthony Edwards looks down at the cover of the 1998 Sports Illustrated in his hands.  The face of 2-year-old Khalid Minor stares at him.  The headline above Khalid reads Where’s Daddy?   

According to SI, Khalid’s father, Boston Celtics swingman Greg Minor refused to make child-support payments, leading to his ex-wife and three kids being evicted from their home.  Edwards opens up the magazine.  The article chronicles the appalling number of pro athletes–particularly NBA players–who have illegitimate children yet want no part of fatherhood.

SI reporters Wahl and Wetheim lay out the details.  New York Knicks forward Larry Johnson has five children from four women.  Cleveland’s Shawn-Kemp has seven kids, again with multiple partners.  Indiana coach Larry Bird refuses to have a relationship with his teenage daughter. 

“It’s like they don’t even care,” says Edwards, talking with Scott Bordow of the East Valley Tribune.  An Arizona Cardinals’ nine-year veteran in 1998, he adds, “What makes it worse is that they have so much money it means nothing.”

Edwards could have been one of them.  He was 21, a promising wide receiver at New Mexico Highlands University.  A pro football career beckoned.  He didn’t want a child.  It was an accident.  Like modern sports heroes, he could have let the girlfriend take care of the baby.

That was not the path Edwards chose, though.  He quit school, returning to Casa Grande in Arizona to support his new family.  He and his girlfriend Mary Ann slept in separate bedrooms of his parents’ home.  He took a job at Ross Abbott Laboratories, earning $6.50 an hour as a machine operator.  Ross Abbott made baby formula.

“I was 21 years old and boom, everything changed,” Edwards tells Bordow.  “It would have been easy to just pay her off.  But even if we weren’t going to be together, I had to take care of my child.  He’s my flesh and blood.”

Edwards did make it to the NFL in 1989, signing as a free agent with Philadelphia.  He and Mary Ann married in 1990.  Their commitment to each other in marriage is the hopeful solution to a nagging social problem threatening the welfare of American children.

From 1960 to 1995, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes tripled from 9 percent to 27 percent, and the proportion of children living with married parents declined.  Today, 24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.  And in 2000, 1.35 million births, one-third of all births, occurred out of wedlock.

Fathers are the missing ingredient for many children.  The results of father absence are staggering.  An analysis reported in 2001 of nearly 100 studies on parent-child relationships found that, in some studies, father love was actually a better predictor than mother love for certain outcomes, including delinquency, substance abuse and overall mental health and well-being.

In other studies analyzed in the 2001 report, after controlling for mother love, researchers found father love was the sole significant predictor for certain outcomes such as psychological adjustment problems, conduct problems and substance abuse.  The importance of Edwards’s commitment to his wife and his children is born out by research.  Fathers do matter.  They matter a lot.

Edwards knows that eventually he’ll have to tell Tony why he was born before his parents were married.  He’ll be honest. “It’s just part of being a father,” he said.  “You take on the responsibility.”

Taking his commitment to fatherhood one step further, Edwards has also worked with teenagers, counseling them to remain celibate until marriage.  His personal story and his role model as a committed father himself are a strong witness to his message, the power of one father to make a difference.

From one parent to the next, whether we are there or not, we pass the seeds of success or failure on to our children.  Anthony Edwards is planting seeds of success that were given to him.  Is the source of his commitment any surprise?  “My father was there for me.”

 

Scott Bordow, “Fatherhood means more than a check to Edwards,” East Valley Tribune, May 7, 1998.

Grant Wahl and L. Jon Wertheim, “Paternity Ward,” Sports Illustrated, May 4, 1998.          

 June 18, 2004 – Me Jane, You Tarzan

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Wonder Love

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

October 10, 2005

He was “Little Stevie Wonder” at just 12 years old, fresh from his first appearance on Dick Clark’s American Bandstand. Since that debut, Wonder has recorded more than 30 Top 10 hits and won 19 Grammys.

After a ten-year absence from recording, Wonder is back. He is motivated by a special message, the message some say “has formed the cornerstone of his legendary career.” Gathering reporters to his studio for a special studio session and interview, he interspersed performances of the 15 tracks on his new album with reflections on his career and his purpose for writing and singing.

“Of all the needs that we have right now,” Wonder tells them, “more than anything, we need a time for love.” Each track on his new album touches on love in one of its forms, “from physical to unrequited to family affection to the way people treat strangers on the street.”

Leaning forward during his interview, he drives his point home to his audience. “We need to have more respect for each other.” Wonder is responding to the lack of respect he senses coming “from people in their relationships as well as our leaders in government.”

Born as Steveland Morris Judkins Hardaway, on May 13, 1950, Wonder was only 12 when he began to record for Motown. He had his first hit at the age of 13, “Fingertips.” While his own performance as a singer won him critical acclaim, he also worked behind the scenes, writing for such groups as The Spinners and Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.

Blind from infancy, Wonder developed a love of music. He began to learn the piano at the age of seven and had also mastered drums and harmonica by the age of nine. After his family moved to Detroit in 1954, Steveland joined a church choir, planting the root of a gospel influence on his music.

The enduring quality of Wonder’s music over a span of 40 years owes much to his ability to express optimism, faith in the future, and love. Sylvia Rhone, who heads up Motown Records, says, “Nobody can illuminate our greatest hopes, soothe our deepest fears, and put us on the musical high road like Stevie Wonder.”

Even his song titles inspire the high road. How can anyone repress a smile when reading, “You Are the Sunshine of My Life,” “My Cherie Amour” and “Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours”? His 1984 hit, “I Just Called To Say I Love You”, is Motown’s biggest-selling single in the UK and won him an Oscar for best song.

“Ever since Songs in the Key of Life,” Wonder says, “I feel it’s been a blessing from God giving me the titles, but ultimately, all songs must stand on their own. I’ve always written about love, but the ones that spoke to me the loudest are the ones you’ll find on A Time 2 Love.”

We owe a debt of gratitude to Wonder and other entertainers who use their talents to inspire the finer and nobler sentiments in life. The unfortunate truth is that we humans have both love and hate pulsing through our blood. And it is the rhythm and sound of our culture that is needed to beat the drum, stirring our passions and filling our spirit with the life-giving message of love.

A Time 2 Love is a message worth passing on — in music and in life.

       

December 10, 2004 – The Best Part of Snuggling

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Celebrating Failure

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

October 3, 2005

Yahoo!  Young women lead the way in tearing down sex taboos!  Another sex study.  And another news report.

Yahoo!  Feelings of guilt plummeted, especially among young women. 

Yahoo!  Sexual practices that were frequently reviled by earlier generations – especially oral sex – were becoming far more acceptable and widespread. 

Yahoo!  Oral sex has become so popular.  In previous generations, oral sex was considered disgusting.  Now young people see it as another way of being sexual.

Yahoo!  It’s also part of the general trend of sexual behavior moving away from marriage and reproduction.  Yahoo!

Once again, eager Yahoo.com reporters rush out to herald “a landmark new report by researchers.”  And with the thoughtlessness of lemmings content to march off the cliff, if dying produces a two-inch headline, they report on the state of teen sex in America complete with confetti and fanfare.

Do any of these Yahoo reporters bother to read their own news reports?  Are any of these reporters parents with sons and daughters?  Are any of these reporters suffering from infertility, herpes outbreaks, or cervical cancer?  Would these be the examples of “pleasure” linked to rampant sex?

Americans are literally schizophrenic about sex.  In January, we wring our hands over the rising rate of unwed teen parents.

In February, we celebrate Valentine’s Day by handing out red flavored condoms that fail to prevent infection by the humanpapillomavirus (HPV), the cause of over 97 per cent of cervical cancer.

In March, we bemoan college spring break trips to Florida and Mexico, where thong bikinis, alcohol and tanning oil make sex nearly unavoidable.

In April, we buy magazines with nearly naked models on the cover in the latest summer thong bikinis.

In May, headlines cry out about the dangers of prom night.

In June, a new “landmark report by researchers” reveals that television is more sexual than ever, and…because of that… that kids are more sexual than ever, too.

In July, doctors announce they are treating increased number of teens for gonorrhea of the throat, the result of oral sex in junior high school.

In August, a lawsuit is settled out of court by parents who discovered their thirteen-year-old daughter was sold an abortion in violation of state law without their knowledge.

In September, SIECUS rejects abstinence sex education as “fear-based.”

And now it’s October.  Yahoo!  Teens are having more sex at younger ages for more fun.

Do we really need more reporters and researchers counting and reporting the number of teens having sex and the ways they are doing it?  Do we really need more magazine surveys that solicit intimate details from people about their every little sexual practice?

What does it say about a culture struggling to find ways to keep porn off the Internet and out of the hands of children at the same time it is celebrating when we learn that North American sexual taboos are out of fashion?

With so much research and so much news, we have learned so little.  If we truly understood the news we read, this week’s story would have been heralded with a much truer headline.   Young women lead the way in ignoring sexual consequences. 

Sadly, that is nothing to Yahoo about.

Copyright © 2005 Jane Jimenez         

 

January 3, 2005 – Teen Pregnancy:  What’s the Problem?

September 10, 2004 – Duh

The Gift of Fear

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

September 26, 2005

What do you fear?  Who can’t identify with Indiana Jones who looks up from the deep pit he must descend into, a pit writhing in motion, and grumbles into the camera, “Snakes.  I hate snakes.”

Movies have made millions from cultivating fear of stalkers coming out of the dark to attack the unsuspecting.  This makes a great plot line, but in real life we have little to fear.

Gavin De Becker in his bestseller The Gift of Fear dispelled the notion that human beings are defenseless against random acts of violence.  Fear, he explained, was actually a set of “survival signals that protect us from violence.”

De Becker is one of the nation’s leading experts on predicting human violence.  As a three-time presidential appointee, he has advised many of the world’s most prominent media figures, corporations and law enforcement agencies on predicting violence.

Casey Gwinn, San Diego City Attorney, says, “De Becker moves the reader from victim to victor as he identifies the God-given abilities we all have to avoid the risks we face from our society’s predators.”  The key to De Becker’s protection plan is fear…welcoming fear as a tool of prediction and protection.

Using Kelly’s real-life story of nearly losing her life after a rape, De Becker leads the reader through key moments where Kelly ignored her intuition that she was in danger.  The man who appeared silently out of nowhere, the man offering her help she didn’t need or ask for, the man’s excessive charm, his persistent conversation laden with incredible details…all of these were clues Kelly buried in her subconscious, refusing to believe this ordinary man fit her vision of a rapist.

Ignoring the signs of danger and suppressing her gift of fear nearly cost Kelly her life.  Only by using extraordinary courage and cunning, did Kelly manage to slip out of her apartment to safety.

Signs of danger surround us in every aspect of our life.  We know to trust our pets when they perk their ears and become agitated.  In Arizona, an eerie dead calm in the air can signal an approaching violent summer storm.  Years of smoking tobacco should put a person on guard for cancer or emphysema.  Fear of intruders, storms and cancer may engulf us.  But if fear is used as a gift, we are in a position to save ourselves.

So, what about sex?  And what about sex education?  Most importantly, what about fear-based sex education?

The conundrum needs explaining.  If one supports fact-based medically accurate information about sex, then we must face many unwelcome facts about sexual liberation.  The facts tell one simple truth.  We are not liberated from the consequences of sex.

Yet, the very people who claim expertise on sex, SIECUS and its allies, are the first to decry programs that tell the truth about the consequences of sex.  While SIECUS and its allies promote condoms like an all-purpose band-aid for cuts, broken legs and severed arteries, the truth about condoms requires a complete presentation of their limitations.

Condoms are not going to be the savior of sexually active teens.  Facts about the limitations of condoms are supported by research and medical experts in fully documented reports readily available to the public.  Conscientious teachers have a duty to tell students about incurable viral STDs, infertility, cervical cancer, and AIDS.

Yet, SIECUS continues to shame such educators with charges that they are promoting fear.  Education based on medically accurate facts is fear-based?  Shame on you, SIECUS.

Fear, if properly used, is a gift.  It calls our attention to the dangers around us and gives us the opportunity to avoid those dangers.

Fear is a call of accountability to those who hold the power of information.  It requires our attention to detail and our full evaluation of all facts on hand.  Crying “fear-based” in the media is no more responsible than crying “fire” in a crowd.

De Becker says it well.  “Denial has an interesting and insidious side effect.  For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn’t so, the fall they take …is far, far greater than that of those who accept the possibility.  Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level, and it causes a constant low-grade anxiety.”

Sex and fear?  Not if you are armed with the truth and respect fear as a gift.  We owe a debt of thanks to the educators who respect fear as an opportunity to talk truth with the children we love.

July 11, 2005 – Medically Accurate Cowards

 “Condoms: What’s Still at Risk?” brochure available from The Medical Institute

www.medinstitute.org

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Oral Sex: The Big Surprise

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

September 19, 2005

Oral sex is a leading story this week.  The Centers for Disease Control announced last Thursday that oral sex is a common practice among U.S. teens.

Once again, this report has spawned a public response filling column inches in newspapers and hours of air time on talk radio.  Evaluating the rate of oral sex among teens, Kristin Moore, president of Child Trends, declares to The Washington Post that, “…these numbers indicate this is a big concern.”

Indeed, radio talk show hosts are concerned.  They have picked up the story and are talking with listeners around the country.  Their listeners are concerned.  We are all concerned.  But are we surprised?

Not anymore.  One decade earlier, oral sex was a term largely confined to medical journals and sex-friendly publications.  It was a term limited to descriptions of private adult relationships.  Never did people link this behavior to adolescents.  Today Professor of Pediatrics Claire Brindis tells The Washington Post, “…we’re talking about a social norm.  It’s part of kids’ lives.”

If there is any surprise left about teens and oral sex, it is the surprise that so many adults and authorities on teen sex now consider oral sex a normative behavior for teens.  It is surprising to hear a radio listener tell Michael Medved that he would rather have his child  engage in oral sex than sexual intercourse.  “Is your child a son?” Medved asks.

“Yes,” the caller admits.  Medved pursues.  Would the caller sanction oral sex if his child were a daughter?  “No, I guess not.”

Dr. Brindis thinks we should give teens a stronger message about the risks of oral sex.  The surprise here is what she considers the stronger message.  “Maybe we need to do a better job of showing them they need to use condoms,” Brindis advocates in The Washington Post.

Meanwhile, the poster man and woman for oral sex are making news half way around the world.  As reported on Independent Online, “a rubber company in China has begun marketing condoms under the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky.”

Spokesperson Liu Wenhua of the Guangzhou Rubber Group, in a pre-sale promotion, was handing out 100,000 free Clinton and Lewinsky products.  Eventually, when sold in southern China, a box of 12 will cost $3.72 and $2.35 respectively.  Liu, obviously a clever marketing strategist, points out, “The Clinton condom will be the top of our line.”

The big surprise of the CDC story on oral sex and teens is that there is no surprise.  As we tally up the news stories and commentary, the real surprise is that we appear to have lost our resolve to consider oral sex a blight on the sexual innocence of our children and a threat to their health and welfare.

A father endorses oral sex for his son because it can’t cause pregnancy.

A health expert and professor declares our best strategy to counter the fad of oral sex is to do a better job of teaching teens how to use condoms for oral sex.

And our nation’s highest officer, known around the world as a proud proponent of oral sex as a method of avoiding “sexual relations” and adultery, now has his own name on a line of condoms in China.

Where, in all of this, is the clear and authoritative call to teens, “STOP!”?  Clearly, we have lost our ability to be surprised.  But have we also lost our ability to cry out to our teens with absolute concern for their emotional and physical health?

Have we sunk so low that we assuage our pain at seeing young people engage in risky behaviors by helping these teens justify the risks as manageable and preferable to making a baby?

Preferring the path of least resistance, we have abandoned our children because it is just too much trouble to hold the line of defense for their protection.  The big surprise about teens and oral sex is that there is no big surprise.

 

September 10, 2004 – Duh

October 29, 2004 – Food for the Brain

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