Category Archives: Parenting

Fatherhood Is More than a Paycheck

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

October 17, 2005

Anthony Edwards looks down at the cover of the 1998 Sports Illustrated in his hands.  The face of 2-year-old Khalid Minor stares at him.  The headline above Khalid reads Where’s Daddy?   

According to SI, Khalid’s father, Boston Celtics swingman Greg Minor refused to make child-support payments, leading to his ex-wife and three kids being evicted from their home.  Edwards opens up the magazine.  The article chronicles the appalling number of pro athletes–particularly NBA players–who have illegitimate children yet want no part of fatherhood.

SI reporters Wahl and Wetheim lay out the details.  New York Knicks forward Larry Johnson has five children from four women.  Cleveland’s Shawn-Kemp has seven kids, again with multiple partners.  Indiana coach Larry Bird refuses to have a relationship with his teenage daughter. 

“It’s like they don’t even care,” says Edwards, talking with Scott Bordow of the East Valley Tribune.  An Arizona Cardinals’ nine-year veteran in 1998, he adds, “What makes it worse is that they have so much money it means nothing.”

Edwards could have been one of them.  He was 21, a promising wide receiver at New Mexico Highlands University.  A pro football career beckoned.  He didn’t want a child.  It was an accident.  Like modern sports heroes, he could have let the girlfriend take care of the baby.

That was not the path Edwards chose, though.  He quit school, returning to Casa Grande in Arizona to support his new family.  He and his girlfriend Mary Ann slept in separate bedrooms of his parents’ home.  He took a job at Ross Abbott Laboratories, earning $6.50 an hour as a machine operator.  Ross Abbott made baby formula.

“I was 21 years old and boom, everything changed,” Edwards tells Bordow.  “It would have been easy to just pay her off.  But even if we weren’t going to be together, I had to take care of my child.  He’s my flesh and blood.”

Edwards did make it to the NFL in 1989, signing as a free agent with Philadelphia.  He and Mary Ann married in 1990.  Their commitment to each other in marriage is the hopeful solution to a nagging social problem threatening the welfare of American children.

From 1960 to 1995, the proportion of children living in single-parent homes tripled from 9 percent to 27 percent, and the proportion of children living with married parents declined.  Today, 24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.  And in 2000, 1.35 million births, one-third of all births, occurred out of wedlock.

Fathers are the missing ingredient for many children.  The results of father absence are staggering.  An analysis reported in 2001 of nearly 100 studies on parent-child relationships found that, in some studies, father love was actually a better predictor than mother love for certain outcomes, including delinquency, substance abuse and overall mental health and well-being.

In other studies analyzed in the 2001 report, after controlling for mother love, researchers found father love was the sole significant predictor for certain outcomes such as psychological adjustment problems, conduct problems and substance abuse.  The importance of Edwards’s commitment to his wife and his children is born out by research.  Fathers do matter.  They matter a lot.

Edwards knows that eventually he’ll have to tell Tony why he was born before his parents were married.  He’ll be honest. “It’s just part of being a father,” he said.  “You take on the responsibility.”

Taking his commitment to fatherhood one step further, Edwards has also worked with teenagers, counseling them to remain celibate until marriage.  His personal story and his role model as a committed father himself are a strong witness to his message, the power of one father to make a difference.

From one parent to the next, whether we are there or not, we pass the seeds of success or failure on to our children.  Anthony Edwards is planting seeds of success that were given to him.  Is the source of his commitment any surprise?  “My father was there for me.”

 

Scott Bordow, “Fatherhood means more than a check to Edwards,” East Valley Tribune, May 7, 1998.

Grant Wahl and L. Jon Wertheim, “Paternity Ward,” Sports Illustrated, May 4, 1998.          

 June 18, 2004 – Me Jane, You Tarzan

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Celebrating Failure

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

October 3, 2005

Yahoo!  Young women lead the way in tearing down sex taboos!  Another sex study.  And another news report.

Yahoo!  Feelings of guilt plummeted, especially among young women. 

Yahoo!  Sexual practices that were frequently reviled by earlier generations – especially oral sex – were becoming far more acceptable and widespread. 

Yahoo!  Oral sex has become so popular.  In previous generations, oral sex was considered disgusting.  Now young people see it as another way of being sexual.

Yahoo!  It’s also part of the general trend of sexual behavior moving away from marriage and reproduction.  Yahoo!

Once again, eager Yahoo.com reporters rush out to herald “a landmark new report by researchers.”  And with the thoughtlessness of lemmings content to march off the cliff, if dying produces a two-inch headline, they report on the state of teen sex in America complete with confetti and fanfare.

Do any of these Yahoo reporters bother to read their own news reports?  Are any of these reporters parents with sons and daughters?  Are any of these reporters suffering from infertility, herpes outbreaks, or cervical cancer?  Would these be the examples of “pleasure” linked to rampant sex?

Americans are literally schizophrenic about sex.  In January, we wring our hands over the rising rate of unwed teen parents.

In February, we celebrate Valentine’s Day by handing out red flavored condoms that fail to prevent infection by the humanpapillomavirus (HPV), the cause of over 97 per cent of cervical cancer.

In March, we bemoan college spring break trips to Florida and Mexico, where thong bikinis, alcohol and tanning oil make sex nearly unavoidable.

In April, we buy magazines with nearly naked models on the cover in the latest summer thong bikinis.

In May, headlines cry out about the dangers of prom night.

In June, a new “landmark report by researchers” reveals that television is more sexual than ever, and…because of that… that kids are more sexual than ever, too.

In July, doctors announce they are treating increased number of teens for gonorrhea of the throat, the result of oral sex in junior high school.

In August, a lawsuit is settled out of court by parents who discovered their thirteen-year-old daughter was sold an abortion in violation of state law without their knowledge.

In September, SIECUS rejects abstinence sex education as “fear-based.”

And now it’s October.  Yahoo!  Teens are having more sex at younger ages for more fun.

Do we really need more reporters and researchers counting and reporting the number of teens having sex and the ways they are doing it?  Do we really need more magazine surveys that solicit intimate details from people about their every little sexual practice?

What does it say about a culture struggling to find ways to keep porn off the Internet and out of the hands of children at the same time it is celebrating when we learn that North American sexual taboos are out of fashion?

With so much research and so much news, we have learned so little.  If we truly understood the news we read, this week’s story would have been heralded with a much truer headline.   Young women lead the way in ignoring sexual consequences. 

Sadly, that is nothing to Yahoo about.

Copyright © 2005 Jane Jimenez         

 

January 3, 2005 – Teen Pregnancy:  What’s the Problem?

September 10, 2004 – Duh

Oral Sex: The Big Surprise

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

September 19, 2005

Oral sex is a leading story this week.  The Centers for Disease Control announced last Thursday that oral sex is a common practice among U.S. teens.

Once again, this report has spawned a public response filling column inches in newspapers and hours of air time on talk radio.  Evaluating the rate of oral sex among teens, Kristin Moore, president of Child Trends, declares to The Washington Post that, “…these numbers indicate this is a big concern.”

Indeed, radio talk show hosts are concerned.  They have picked up the story and are talking with listeners around the country.  Their listeners are concerned.  We are all concerned.  But are we surprised?

Not anymore.  One decade earlier, oral sex was a term largely confined to medical journals and sex-friendly publications.  It was a term limited to descriptions of private adult relationships.  Never did people link this behavior to adolescents.  Today Professor of Pediatrics Claire Brindis tells The Washington Post, “…we’re talking about a social norm.  It’s part of kids’ lives.”

If there is any surprise left about teens and oral sex, it is the surprise that so many adults and authorities on teen sex now consider oral sex a normative behavior for teens.  It is surprising to hear a radio listener tell Michael Medved that he would rather have his child  engage in oral sex than sexual intercourse.  “Is your child a son?” Medved asks.

“Yes,” the caller admits.  Medved pursues.  Would the caller sanction oral sex if his child were a daughter?  “No, I guess not.”

Dr. Brindis thinks we should give teens a stronger message about the risks of oral sex.  The surprise here is what she considers the stronger message.  “Maybe we need to do a better job of showing them they need to use condoms,” Brindis advocates in The Washington Post.

Meanwhile, the poster man and woman for oral sex are making news half way around the world.  As reported on Independent Online, “a rubber company in China has begun marketing condoms under the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky.”

Spokesperson Liu Wenhua of the Guangzhou Rubber Group, in a pre-sale promotion, was handing out 100,000 free Clinton and Lewinsky products.  Eventually, when sold in southern China, a box of 12 will cost $3.72 and $2.35 respectively.  Liu, obviously a clever marketing strategist, points out, “The Clinton condom will be the top of our line.”

The big surprise of the CDC story on oral sex and teens is that there is no surprise.  As we tally up the news stories and commentary, the real surprise is that we appear to have lost our resolve to consider oral sex a blight on the sexual innocence of our children and a threat to their health and welfare.

A father endorses oral sex for his son because it can’t cause pregnancy.

A health expert and professor declares our best strategy to counter the fad of oral sex is to do a better job of teaching teens how to use condoms for oral sex.

And our nation’s highest officer, known around the world as a proud proponent of oral sex as a method of avoiding “sexual relations” and adultery, now has his own name on a line of condoms in China.

Where, in all of this, is the clear and authoritative call to teens, “STOP!”?  Clearly, we have lost our ability to be surprised.  But have we also lost our ability to cry out to our teens with absolute concern for their emotional and physical health?

Have we sunk so low that we assuage our pain at seeing young people engage in risky behaviors by helping these teens justify the risks as manageable and preferable to making a baby?

Preferring the path of least resistance, we have abandoned our children because it is just too much trouble to hold the line of defense for their protection.  The big surprise about teens and oral sex is that there is no big surprise.

 

September 10, 2004 – Duh

October 29, 2004 – Food for the Brain

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Kiss, Kiss, I Love You

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

September 12, 2005

Sitting in airport lounges for four months, I have been surrounded by human love in action.

Cars driving up to the check-in curbside, trunk lids opening, bags being piled with sweaters…hugs, kisses and more hugs.

Travelers with time on their hands stroll through airport shops filled with scarves, stuffed toys, and boxes of chocolate, a perfect place to grab an offering for family waiting at home.  I missed you.

Mothers and fathers, like families of ducks, lead a trail of small children dragging midget rolling suitcases through the airport.  Blankets are spread on the floor, tired Teddy bears, mussed hair, fussy tears, and sleepy bundles…a mother leans over, I love you.

Tonight as I sit waiting for the boarding call on my final flight home, I snatch time to call those I love.  I leave a short message telephone for my daughter.  I miss her.  Can we meet for lunch when I get home this week? Love you, Mom.

I connect with my son three thousand miles away.  It’s great to hear your voice!  He surprises me with news that he might be able to fly home to visit me in two weeks.  My heart lifts.

My husband is still at work, but I leave a message with my flight number and arrival time.  I close my eyes and see him standing as always just ahead of me, arms extended for both my suitcase and my hug.    It’s been a great trip, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you.  I’ve missed you!

And finally, the call over the speaker comes.  I follow in line down the tunnel to the open plane door, stow my bags and click my seatbelt shut.  Faintly, I hear my husband’s return call on my cell phone.  There’s just enough time before the pilot tells us to turn off all electronic devices.  Yes, I’m finally on my way home.  Can’t wait to see you.  Love you, too!

I close my eyes as the last few people shuffle bags overhead.  Behind me, one seat over, a woman, like me, makes use of the last few minutes before they close the door to call home.  It’s a familiar call.  Hearing her pass along the brief details of flight arrival, the softness in her voice lets you know someone is waiting to welcome her home.   Yes, the plane is on time.  I’ll see you soon.  Kiss, kiss.  Love you.

What does this all have to do with sex and teaching abstinence until marriage?  Nothing.  And everything.

Nothing  —  Kiss, kiss…I love you.  So much love flows through an airport. Strands of love stretching around the globe renewed with simple hugs, short cell phone messages, and postcards carefully written over cups of coffee.  No sex.  But, oh, the magnitude of love offered and accepted.

And everything. —  Abstinence until marriage is a message about the purity of love, a gift we can treasure and share anywhere at anytime with anyone.  Love without sex affirmed as supremely worthy is no small accomplishment in a society that has led young people to believe that, for love to matter, sex must be involved.

Returning home…my eyes hold back tears as I think of once again being able to talk and spend quiet moments with my husband.  It’s been a long summer of trips leaving home.  Hotel rooms.  Rental cars.  Business meetings.  Conferences.

Yet…returning home…month after month, year after year, to be greeted by my husband of thirty years, is a renewal of love unending.  It is a reason to love traveling, if only for the coming home again.

Airports are places where goodbyes build opportunities for reflecting on what makes life worthwhile.  One goodbye, a hug and a kiss, and love held pure over thousands of miles and hundreds of days because it lives in the heart.  A truth about love worth remembering…and teaching.

 

April 11, 2005 – Why I Teach Abstinence

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Succeeding at Failure

Jane Jimenez

Jane Jimenez

September 5, 2005

Timken High School in Canton, Ohio, has succeeded in setting a new record.  Sixty-five of the girls attending Timken are pregnant.

This record is matched by another startling local statistic.  According to the Canton Health Department, out of 586 babies born through July at local hospitals, 104 of the babies had mothers between the ages of 11 and 19.

Nationally, last week, radio and television talking heads picked up this story and ran with it.  Outrageous, they shouted.  Outrageous!  What a dismal record of failure!

Failure?  Really?

Think about it.  Timken girls and boys have succeeded at one thing.  They have succeeded in absorbing the messages of modern American culture and incorporating those messages into their lives.

Reality television validates casual sex between “consenting” guys and gals.  So Timken guys and gals consented.

Popular entertainment idols jump in and out of bed so fast that we lose count.  So Timken teens played like they are stars of the silver screen.

“Sexperts” insist that teens are incapable of resisting sexual temptations.  So Timken teens didn’t.

“Sexucators” go into classrooms and use false promises of “protection” and “safe sex” to downplay the true failure rates of condoms.  Sex is fun, not risky.  So Timken teens reach for promises of good times.

Rap and sports heroes brag about the number of women they conquer…and leave.  So Timken males fade into the background as the girls are counted by statisticians.

And sadly, American culture runs away from defining marriage as an expected standard for raising children.  So Timken teens will be unmarried parents.

If you consider what we are teaching our children, it appears that Timken teens have simply excelled at learning what they have been taught.  They are not alone.

Stella is a pregnant teen who doesn’t attend Timken.  She and her boyfriend were really “serious.”  So they had sex.  Now he’s gone and Stella is pregnant.

Sure, her feelings are hurt at being dumped by her boyfriend.  But Stella likes being pregnant.  She looks forward to being a mother and having a baby to hold.  And maybe, just maybe, her boyfriend will come back.

Next week, Stella’s friends and family are throwing her a baby shower.  Her aunt has brought over a baby bed and stroller.  And everyone is getting excited, anticipating her approaching due date.

Statisticians will count Stella as an unfortunate unwed pregnant teen.  But in the real world where Stella lives, she is making a family using the pattern she has been given.

She had sex because she was serious with her boyfriend.  And she is having a baby because she is pregnant.  Stella has grown up in a world where babies enter our lives as casually as new cars and prom dresses.

If you talk with Stella and her friends…and I suspect the young girls of Timken high…they have the same eternal dream of women going back thousands of years.  They long to be mothers and raise children.   And they are.

They have learned what “sexucators” have been teaching.  Babies are no longer the expected product of a married couple committed to each other for life.  Marriage, sex, love, infatuation, fun, babies and families…all of it is up for grabs…depending on the mood of the day and the luck of the dice.

Is it failure when 65 girls at Timken High School are pregnant?  Not if they have succeeded in learning what we have been teaching them.

 

October 29, 2004 – Food for the Brain

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